Tuscan's Mind

Everything is as per normal today....but things not settled. Questions on my mind....Doubts...And he keep asking me what's my answer up till today. So what is my answer? I don't have the answer as yet....I'm still thinking and theres several things playing on my mind.

My dear, at times I have visions of you and me....but the visions get blurred time and again. Is there a place in which I could escape to where no one says anything anymore? I wish God will give me the answer to everything....what should I actually do? There's no harm right in getting ahead with it and also in cancelling it. I will think about it carefully and come to the final decision.

Wonder why is it so hard for me to come to a decision. Maybe because I'm so used leading a carefree life no commitment whatsoever to anybody. And is it so bad to be tied down? Maybe because I'm so used to getting to know and meet new people in the past...go wherever I go with whoever I like without worrying that someone out there is worried abt my whereabouts. But was I happy then or now? Hmmm....Still wondering though..Just talked to my mum about my thoughts and feelings and I feel so good...Oh dear mum...what will I do without u mummy? I'm so touched with her soothing words, her constant support and encouragement and the overwhelming love she showers me with. Thanks mummy! Love u so much...so much mum! Feel so protected and loved. It's simply easier to talk to her than my dad. Coz she understands better whatever I am feeling. I just asked her "Mum, can u imagine me getting married now or soon?" And she actually kept quiet. Haha...That means she too can feel I'm not ready for marriage. Told her that whatever decision that I have come to, I don't wish to get married till I'm ready to settle down..be it 2 or 3 years later..maybe when I'm 27 or 28 or whatever till I'm ready. Can't deny I still enjoy my freedom....So whatever decision I have come to,I hope my close ones will give me the support that I need....Please dearies...I need it...Thanks...Love u all so much...

Departure of Uncle

So many things happened lately....and one of them was the departure of my uncle. Another painful moment in my life. Seeing the tears of his wife which is my fav auntie and my two beloved cousins. Will be there for them whenever they need me. This is the reality of life which we have to go through along our life journey. Be strong and move on. May he rest in peace....

Still thinking about whether I should go on or not. Talked to several people and it seem I can't make up my mind still. Where does the fault lies? I'm willing to change and mend my ways. And try not to be too stubborn, egoistic and temperamental....Sigh...When it comes to friends,I don't seem to have any problems at all but when it comes to life partner, why does it seem I always seem to have a problem? Why is it so? All I want is to have stable relationship....or is it I'm so afraid of commitment and getting to the next serious stage? I keep asking myself what makes me so scared of engagement...Why is it that when the date is near I become more tense? Or should I take things more lightly? I know it's all in my hands now but please do give me support and encouragement. Oh God! Show me the light out please....Do show me the light out of this black hole....I can feel myself withering away....Can someone save me please?

When I got no one, I keep yearning for someone to settle down with but now when the person is here, I'm having cold feet when it's not even marriage yet.

Tuscan Ran Away

Created a scene...where was I on wednesday night? Lost...venting my frustrations outside...Ikutkan perasaan sangat....that's the thing with me....I can control at times but when I lost it there it goes....Simply can't be at home...Chose to be alone....Alone in my own thoughts...Feeling as though my close ones cast me aside....Don't love me anymore....What is with me? At this age still making my mum worried. I don't intend to do that actually.I'm sorry and please forgive me. Now I believe the truthfulness of a mother's love...Neverending...so pure...So overwhelming....She don't blame me for anything..In fact she protected me and helped me talked to my dad. And he's giving me a week to think it over....Whether or not to go on with the event on 14th April 2006. And the decision lies on my hands now....

Im still the same old me

A close fren commented that I change due to the fact that I got someone with me now. And also that I will only look for her in times when I got problems and disappear when I'm fine and happy. Can someone care to tell me whether she's right? I don't wish to probe any further on that coz u guys know me well. Please don't judge me. All I know is that whenever u guys need me, you can be rest assured I will be there....I will be there for you babe....I will...but guess you never know that you do mean so much to me...The times spent with you I will always cherished babe..I just hope u know that I'm trying my best to stay away from the lifestyle I used to lead...in which I escape to in times of problems...thats what I did...Escape...Enter a world where I'm senseless of everything and enter the 4th dimension...but the problems still there when I woke up the next morning back in the 1st dimension....It's not that easy to change one's lifestyle and to resist the urge to turn back...Can I stay away from everything forever? No matter what my habits are, I never have thoughts to hurt others intentionally and to make use of others around me....Never...

Feeling so tired today and sleepy with body and leg aching....think it's time for me to have a good rest at home. I get tired easily nowadays as I got older....Behaving as if I'm already in my 40s...Haha...It's not that but I realise the difference then and now....Must start taking tonics maybe...bird's nest whatever u name it....

What's going to be the outcome of my uncle's condition? Been lying there in ICU for nearly 2 weeks now...,Can he be well as he used to be.....Pray that all goes well for them...

Feeling Utterly Insecure

Oh God! Help me...Help me find the way out to all these....I can't seem to go on...I can't...give me the strength....show me the light....I feel that everyone is out to scold me...hate me....for being such a B****. Am I really such a B**** for treating him like that. Just have a chat with Sis J and I do feel a bit better. Thanks for being so kind to have that chat with me sis....

After pouring everything out, she said that maybe things happen too fast for me in which old pains not healed fully...You think you mean nothing to me at all? Think again k....U do...It's just me...It's me...I'm afraid to give it my all again....but then again...U have the characteristics I have always wanted...fun-loving, humorous, sincere, understanding in some aspects, friendly and gets along well with people I'm close with. And u love my family. That's the most important thing to me...coz I'm the family-oriented kind of girl. What is it with me people? Should someone send me to IMH or should I brave myself to see a counsellor? Should I really? I have always want that sincere love...for someone to love me unconditionally....no matter what I am....me for who I am....And I get that coming from you with all the love u bring into my life....and with all the characteristics I have always wanted in a man....

But then whats happening? Whats happening now? Whats happening to me? Why is everyone getting involved? I don't mean to be angry...I just don't wish people to get the wrong idea of me. And bothering others and all....Do u get that? Coz the problem lies within me in which others can never help...Never dear....Its these feelings of mine...All the things I said is out of anger....And I'm here to say sorry to you for being harsh...To all those who have been concerned about me, thanks a million....EQ, Sis J, my mum, my twin sis and all...I love u guys so much....Give me the strength God....Direct my feelings to the right direction this time round please...Please..I beg of you....Coz I don't wish to lose him....Sincerely from me....TC

Reality of Life

Spent the weekends at SGH...giving moral support to my aunt whose husband had to go through a second operation for his lung last saturday....Relatives were there too giving moral support to her and both my cousins...May they be blessed with strength in going through these rough times. I will do my small part in just being there for my auntie as and when possible. Seeing her in this situation whereby her husband's condition is critical pains me....

This is the reality of life. You got to be strong and accept it. These are some of the painful stages in life you have got to go thorough in which you will learn to cherish and treasure your closed ones more especially your parents.

Memories of the Past

Feeling bad today..real bad...I hate myself when I feel this way....Anger...neverending anger....Have I always been like this or did I changed due to past events? I'm sorry to all the people I have hurt....It's human nature to make mistakes and I'm one of them of course.
This is something which was written in a friend's blog which reflects a lot about how I am feeling and how bad my previous love hurts me.

"When you though a person had hurt you a lot, you supressed anger and hatred towards him. Over time, each time that person's face reflected in your mind,your face just turned long and heart raced angrily. You know you haven't let go of the past and what you were doing was just hurting you again.

Nobody owes you a living, but you owe yourself one. Why would you want to own that feelings when you have neither entitlement nor obligation to them? Choose to forgive. I believe in retribution. Hurting others is a temporary satisfaction and guilt will surface when others hurt them one day."

I happened to read previous chapters of her blog and I feel the pinch...Actually I'm not sure who she was referring it to. I thought up till now I have let it go but sincerely I have not let it go fully.

My Driving Test

Feeling like a total failure..that's how I am feeling now...and it was even worse yesterday when I failed for my second TP. Devastating...Disappointed...Sad....My confidence going down the drain...I took major exams before such as PSLE,O-Levels and even during poly times. But never did I feel as nervous as how I felt for my last two TP tests. The nervousness kills me...I did major mistakes that I never did during my practical lessons not stopping at the stop line where I should. It's due to the nervous wreck that I was in and spoilt everything. As I walked out of the car and followed the tester into the room where I am going to know of my result, I'm all prepared for the bad news. But still I breakdown right after that and cried in the arms of Phirizy. Thankful that he was there and appreciated that he took half-day leave on my behalf despite the fact I had been treating him like strangers for the past few days. Thanks dear...thank u so much for being there...I cried and cried...overcome by sadness and disappointment. He had a hard time cheering me up and did his best though to make me feel better.

I know for a fact some people out there may laugh that I'm taking it so badly but if u know me well enough then you will understand why being the type of person I am. I feel like a total failure...Can't help it...I tried my best this time round....I did...Trust me...I'm so keen on improving....I feel embarrassed to face my family especially my dearest dad who had been helping me all these while to pay for my driving fees. I'm so sorry dad....I am truly sorry...Nevertheless, my elder sis,my dad and close friends encouraged me not to give up which make me cry even more yesterday...I'm so touched....Thanks dearies....Thanks to elder sis for her words of encouragement and her efforts in cheering me up....So sweet....

Left with Phirizy at CDC, we head out to the bus stop thinking of where to go. I'm still tearing despite his endless efforts to make me smile..But as he stood nearby the road and showed his thumbs up to the cars with the 2 L plates indicating they were having their TP tests, I can't help laughing to his crazy acts. For a moment I forgot about my failed TP and joined him doing those CRAZY ACTIONS!!! Their testers must be wondering whether we are patients from IMH. From there we head to Sakura International Buffet at Downtown East and indulged ourselves with the foods...Sushis, my favourite...Sashimis too...Superb I must say....Stayed there for nearly 3 hours....Hehe...

My Scars

Shouldn't treat him the way I did..So bad of me...But please understand that I don't need people to make me feel worse than I already am feeling inside. Think it's best that u stay away from me for now. It's for ur own good. I'm sorry though for all the things I have said to you. I'm devoid of feelings, senseless and I couldn't figure out why. I hate it when I'm called a victim of my past..Really trying hard to heal myself of all those wounds but it's taking a long time. Ok accept the fact I am a victim still. Yes I truly am. I'm afraid to love again or give my heart and soul to him coz I'm afraid the same thing will happen. I'm really torturing him but trust me, I don't have any intention of hurting him at all but I can't control my feelings can I? I can't just force myself to feel better and pretend that I'm feeling ok. There's a wall blocking the path for love to set in. Oh God! Help me! Release me of all these pain I'm feeling. When I heard stories about girls around me getting hurt and cheated, I got tensed up..I do...I feel their pain and I wish that they never got themselves into that fix. Wish that they will wake up from their dream and get their life back on track. The story about that moron who cheated have an impact on me I can't deny. Wish I can give him a tight slap on his face for hurting that innocent girl. And to think he deny everything despite us having evidences of his drama. Please polish up on your acting skills u moronic creature in order to fool people around u...Don't think u can fool just anyone..and I for one thing have enough of ur crap!

Guess it will time to heal the pain of being hurt, cheated of one's feelings and it can be even more painful when you are deeply in love with that person...emotionally and physically involved especially...where your everyday thoughts are full of him and just by being by his side makes u happy and over the moon...Nothing else matters for you except for the person whose name makes ur heartbeat faster and all u can do all day is think of him and for a mere sms u get from him each morning makes u smile and brighten ur day. And u get all excited when he asked you out. But in the long run,he changed and you have to accept the fact that he's making a fool out of you...How painful can it be....The man you love, you treasure, you cherish hurt u and leave u never looking back....Guess I should stop here as my eyes are tearing. Gosh!

Guess for this reason it's tough to love again coz the wound is healing slowly but nevertheless, the scars remain....To whoever who is reading and may find this crap or you may call me stupid for loving a guy like that..trust me...before this happened to me, I ever said the exact same words to someone who went through the same thing before and it happened to me....Sigh...What goes around comes around.....Thats why up till now I always remind myself to watch my mouth whatever I said and comment about others...Coz it happened to me. Saying so many things about that girl for being with a guy she should not be with and in the end, I was trapped in exactly the same scenario...exactly....Which left me scarred for life....

Valentine's Day

What is actually happening to me? What am I actually thinking? Didn't want any disturbance and all...what's up? All I know I just want peace....be at home with my loved ones....my parents..my babies..siblings....Feel so secure at home....Is there anything wrong with me? I just wanna spend more time at home coz it make me feel good. Watching our fav drama on tv while giving my mummy massage...making coffee for my beloved dad...The two most wonderful people in my life....felt so indebted to them...Wish that I could make their life more better and give them life pleasures but I can't afford to...I wish that I can buy them a big house, big car,employ maids for my mum,employ chaffeur to drive my dad to work and all. Hehe...Dream on....

It's Valentine's Day today so Happy Valentine's Day to all...my dear beloved frens...esp to my 4 NP gerlfrens & Moskva...and not forgetting to Phirizy too....May our friendship/relationship last forever and grows even stronger along the way my dearest....Wish that I could meet EQ today and spend time with her for a Valentine's Day romantic dinner..Haha....or maybe have a helluva night at Rizt Carlton hotel...Nice....Joking okies...Pls don't think i'm some pervert or whatever which I can be at times...Hehe...

Waiting for the time I can go "shouting" with my gerlfrens...feel happy that the five of us are still in touch since poly years and hopefully after marriage too. Smiling to myself while picturing the five of us going out with our juniors. So the berangan right me but it's nice thoughts...no harm right...Hehe...For sure I'm going to grow even more "sexier"...die...must buy that taebo dvd for myself and perhaps all of us come together and doing taebo together....I think we will all end up laughing not exercising at the end of the day.

Tonight sis Eda going out with hubby together with sis J and bro amy. Hopefully they will have a wonderful together especially for my elder sis since shes been working so hard all these while. Pray that things will get better for her in the near future and may she be blessed with everlasting happiness. I love u sis! U have been the greatest sis ever and don't know what our family will be without you and thanks for bringing those babies into my life....Never fail to cheer me up those two...Bringing a smile to my face each time I came home from work and the laughters that come from them that bring so much light to the house....Hey babies, u bring bundles of happiness into ur bibik life u know...Love u so much...

Visiting Sick Uncle

Back to work...Spent time at home with family during the weekends and yesterday went SGH to visit my uncle. Envy my aunt for her strength and patience in going thru all these...caring for her sick husband who hasn't been working for a long time...and she became the soul breadwinner of the family. Prayed that everything will get better for them soon....

It's been a lazy weekend for me simply lazing around at home watching dvds in the company of my two little babies..Hehe...Sirin simply couldn't lie still and got to really make sure that she doesn't fall off the bed...My sweet honey baby love....My sweetie pie....

Seeing the things that people do and going the extra mile for the person that they love astounded me....I can't say they are fools coz it's because they feel overwhelmingly in love for the other party that makes them go the extra mile to do things for them. The thing is there are people who take these people for granted though which spoils everything. The guy will chase and chase the girl he likes...woo her..please her...but when she fall deeply in love for him, he changed in a split second. This is an example of a scenario which happened frequently. And this is the reason some people just have a phobia of falling in love again...like a wall protecting her heart from falling...or this girl describe falling in love as "committing suicide". Wish that her heart will open up to the man whos sincerely in love with her....Coz it pains me seeing all the things she went through before....

Well Rested

Felt good today after the 10 hours of sleep yesterday. Slept as early as 9 pm. So Syiok! But too bad can't join my elder sis and another sister of mine for the bowling session yesterday. Bowling is another of my favourite hobby besides karaoke,watching movie,hanging out or lepak with my dear ones and another one is reading story books. But some people thought I was joking which I'm not...I really do love reading story books...hmmm...Wonder why they thought I was kidding....Another thing which I enjoy is travelling! Be it KL or whatever I will still love to go....Would love to travel to places like Paris, New Zealand etc but it requires high budget..die...Actually I used to have plans of going resorts...so called peaceful places...Maldives maybe....nearby the sea...but since Tsunami, I changed my mind though. Went to KL last year twice and really enjoyed myself....So happening!!! Gerek ah!!!

Am I really moody lately? Some seems to be enquiring. Maybe I'm just tensed up for the upcoming TP and another major event coming up on 14 April 2006...my major event...Hehe...Some of my close ones still couldn't believe that I have made that decision...It's ok...Just be present on that day dear people and give me support ok....Love u all...Wah getting tensed again....How it's going to be like etc etc etc...Aiyah I'm forever getting gabrah over things...And getting excited easily too! But can't help it lah...when I'm excited I can talk really fast...That's me...

Feeling Sucky

Yesterday I went for my driving practical and it sucks...sigh...I was on the brink of tears actually and my confidence went down the drain throughout the lesson. I don't know what happen to me...what's on my mind...wondering away...unable to concentrate fully and it affect my parking etc. My face was black all the way as I was driving back home from CDC. My instructor told me my driving is really ok now but it's just that I need to improve on my traffic road rules....Felt really really bad coz my dad sponsored the majority of my driving fees. Sorry dad...Part of the reason I'm really taking it seriously is because it will be much easier for my parents if I got a license. During Hari Raya time, we can rent a car and go jalan raya to all our relative's houses since we have so many sedara-mara. And I can bring them go JB to jalan raya also...don't need to bother other people to drive us around anymore...Oh pls...why is my confidence going down the drain? Sigh....

Went back home and have an early night today due to the 3 hours of sleep yesterday. Felt good that we finally managed to find out the truth whose the bad one. Wondering why such people exists and hopefully that he won't go around anymore cheating on others. Like the malay proverb which goes "Sepandai-pandai tumpai melompat akhirnya jatuh ke tanah jua." Hope he learnt a lesson this time round and stop this game of his.

The Two Love of My Life

Got to force myself out of bed this morning..feeling so sleepy....Find it hard though to leave for work with baby Sirin waking up so early...Simply love the smell and look of her when she just woke up from sleep....So cute with her grouchy face....So cuddly with her being mini "gigantic" baby....Love of my life....As I was leaving the house, another love of my life woke up...As usual, asking for his susu and switch on the tv for his daily cartoon network. The two love of my life ever....Got to thank my elder sister for bringing them into my life...I must say that they really bring so much happiness into my life....Filling up my life with a lot of joy, love and laughter...Sirin, my sweet honey baby love...and Iman, my buah hati pengerang jantung...My house seemed so empty whenever they go back to their own house....Love having kids around me....

So when shall I have kids of my own? Oooppsss..I should actually mention about when I'm gonna settle down first...then that come later....hehe....Actually there's this madness in me...but I will never go ahead with this madness...I wish to have kids of my own..just kids of my own...and I will make sure I bring them up with all the love I have in me....But then the thought of having to live in the same house with a man comes the difficult phase for me....Can I adapt to that type of life whereby I wake up in the morning to find a man sleeping beside me on my bed? Can I? All these need adaptation...I know.....Hmmm...I believe all these I can adapt to naturally when the time comes....Pray that everything will be fine....

CNY Celebration

There's a Chinese New Year Celebration held at my workplace and I got to be one of the emcees to present the various programmes that we held today. Luckily the day turned out fine for the committee members and everything went in place. Thought I'm not going to be nervous but with the Board of Directors and Chairman around, I got nervous a bit and kinda panicked at first. Coz I thought the mike was not on and my voice was not heard. Luckily it wasn't that obvious and the day went fine and smooth. The food was ok..normal...at least can satisfy a bit of my Sushi craving. Yes! Don't know when I'm going for Sakae Sushi buffet with my gerlfrens again...And right now thinking of where to have a belated birthday celebration for one of my gerlfren....It will be nice if all of us go for dinner and then head to Party world to "shout" the night away...It's actually karaoke cum clubbing cum making music video...Hahaha....

And If I were to karaoke with my next batch of karaoke kakis, it will be karaoke cum clubbing cum body slamming....Still can't forget the splendid time we had on the eve of new year....Such a crazy time we all had during that karaoke session which lasted for 5 hours....

It's a Quiet Day

So quiet the day today...it's monday and im feeling the blues..or maybe im just tired...hmmm...not sure what is it...Maybe I'm feeling tense...Nevertheless, got to do my job and hopefully will feel much better later on...

Got driving today and it turned out quite bad...as usual blurr and dreaming away...tried my best though to be alert but guessed it will take time....My instructor hoped that i will passed this time round and I really don't wish to disappoint him at all. I will try my best though and never give up..hehe....

Special Fren of Mine

Went driving practical today for 2 hours..woke up feeling sleepy ard 8.30 am...My instructor coming at 9.30 am. Always so dreamy in the morning...getting better in driving no doubt after failing the first TP...hehe...But my mind wandering when I drive and my instructor got to "wake" me up. He knows im always dreaming away...ever failed to stop at traffic lights along Ubi. Haha...Me smiling away and giggling softly but causing Mr Aw's heart to stop! Ha! Maybe due to the late night yesterday having conference calls with the "Ganggers", I felt grouchy today coz I slept ard nearly 2 am and this morning got to wake up in the morning...sigh...So funny during the conference...dont know what each other are talking abt actually with my crazy twin sister shouting away. Forever crazy that one....crappy like me...Me crappy? Hmmm...got to ask my dear close ones whether I really am crappy....Not sure abt that though....All I can say I love being myself....sort of carefree,crazy,crazy and I cares a lot abt my loved ones ard me...I do care a lot abt the people Im close with.... There's this wish in me in which I wish that everyone is happy...smiling and laughing away...but thats life...got its ups and downs....Whatever happen in the past taught me a lot...Don't wish to probe futher on that anymore....I wish that the coming future will be a smooth sailing one for me,my family and my dear beloved close ones. I love u all so much....I pray that God give me the strength to continue my life journey and to overcome any obstacle that may come...I wish to thank my dear beloved fren, EQ coz she had been there for me in good and bad times. There's a time someone says to me I treat her like God....and im hurt...its not that but I do admire her in a lot of ways though...The strength that she has in her and so many other wonderful things abt her that I could not describe makes me envy her...She accept me for what I am and that's what important to me....She's giving me support to fight the battles I'm facing right now....And how I appreciate that my dear beloved fren....Never know what I'm gonna do without you in my life...really...thank God for bringing this wonderful and beautiful enigmatic queen into my life...

My Virgin Blogging

Really don't know what to say since it's my first time blogging...but I must say I'm really excited to have a blog of my own finally....but sorry coz its not ready yet....wait u guys think its a kiddo blog....hehehehehe...Anway,thanks to Phirizy for his "hard work" in the processing of my blog....thanks dear....

Anyway, let me just fill in something. Life has been hmmmmm...shd i say great? Ok it's been great for me lately...I'm glad for my dearie is back in Singapore...Finally....And finally, I'm back to my normal self...Been sick last week...Glad that now recover fully.

My aim is to pass my TP...it shd actually be in one of my wishlist. I hope that after I pass, either I rent a car or maybe if I can afford to, buy a weekend car. I really wish I can drive my beloved parents around to wherever that they wanna go. I really wish to bring them jalan2 to JB shopping2 etc....go makan....coz no matter what, it's easier. And futhermore, my dad is old and so that he won't be so tired. Pls..pls...I really wish to pass my TP and not just that, hope that I can get used to driving....wah..wah....so syok that must be....yes ah...